Friday, March 13, 2009

Striking the balance

It's an interesting time to be planning a wedding. Even if you're completely responsible and careful in saving your pennies, working within your budget, you still feel like you're still spending an awful lot of money for one day. It's the way I felt since the beginning. Conflicting forces! They're at work!

On one hand, I'm just a fan of all things pretty, and I'd say my guiding philosophy in what I want for the wedding is "elegant and fun." I want people to genuinely enjoy themselves, and I want to be a good host. I need my photographs to capture the essence of the day, I want my food to be delicious, my cake to me tasty, my flowers to be fresh and beautiful, my entertainment for the day to create a mood of subdued romance during the ceremony and of fun and celebration for the reception. And making these things happen takes lots of research, and frankly, lots of money.

The OTHER hand is my desire to not buy in hook, line and sinker into the wedding-industrial complex. I see sites like apracticalwedding.com and almost gaze wistfully at the intimate backyard weddings, the homemade dresses, the self-arranged flowers, the simplicity and intimacy of an event that's inherently romantic, one in which the trappings of romance are really wholly unnecessary. What difference does it make if you have some kind of rare orchid in your centerpiece, or if the wine is 90+ in Wine Spectator, or if your gown is Vera Wang? NONE of these things will matter in the course of your lives. None of these things are what people will remember, and that you'll probably forget.

So why did I kind of buy in? Frankly, out of necessity and ease.

I want to share the celebration of marriage with the people I love, but to do that, I have to do things back in CA. Many of them wouldn't be able to join us if it were in Denver. My community really is still back there, my close family, my close friends. His family and friends are more scattered and have more ease of moving about. It made total sense to do the wedding out there. But you need LOTS OF HELP when doing something remotely, and really doing things totally DIY when you can't even be PART of a lot of it is unfair. So I booked a site for both ceremony and reception that includes the catering and bartending. Not the cheapest option, but it meets the elegant and fun criteria, and people will be fed and warm and happy. I bought my dress from a boutique, and it's gorgeous. I've hired a photographer (who is super fun, BTW), and will be hiring a baker and florist and entertainment, because hiring people to do things is what you do when the burden of placing it on your community of friends and family is entirely too great.

But we've also discussed things that we want to cut back on, simply because we don't believe they're worth the expense (to us), and we have. We bought an invitation kit at Michael's and are printing them ourselves, for a fraction of what it would cost us to order them. We found potential save-the-date magnets through a business printing site (much cheaper than specialty wedding magnets). And perhaps the biggest money saver, and most DIY element -- we're creating our own non-floral centerpieces, and the favors will be integrated into the centerpiece itself, effectively hitting two birds with one stone. My mom is masterminding the whole thing, and her friends are getting together one night to make them all. To try to explain the idea will make it sound more preposterous than what I envision.

Thing is, with weddings, EVERYONE has an opinion. Even if they're good about not putting it in your face, there are lots of perceptions about what is "right" and "wrong" to do. You can be criticized from everything for not doing letterpress to the meal options to the kind of bar you have...so many things are vaunted as tradition that are not tradition at all; so many things are presented as necessity when really, everything is optional. You cannot please everyone; you really have to do what you like, whether it's going to the courthouse or spending 10K on a dress.

I think the most popular misconception out there is that this day is all about you. NO. IT IS NOT. That's what a birthday is. It is about you and your beloved entering into a very serious and exciting commitment. It's the relationship's day, if you will; it's the only day you're really celebrating your joining as people. And the people at your wedding are those who are celebrating your union, your newly "coupled" identity, your JOINT happiness. At least that's how I frame it in my mind...so I keep things in perspective.