Monday, September 17, 2007

It's just not relevant anymore.

For a long time now I've been wondering why I'm not compelled to write here anymore, why I no longer have a burning desire to share my thoughts with the world. Is it creative emptiness? Is it writers' block?

No. It's just that I don't have anything to say here anymore.

Not because I'm empty or pointless. In fact, I feel fuller than I ever have in my life. But that need for anonymous validation is gone.

What love does for someone is deeper than just finding someone to share life with, to talk about dreams, to intertwine hopes. It fulfills. My love for God is filling in one way; my love for the man I love fills in another. And one of those voids was the hearing ear -- but not even that -- rather, the realization that I'm no longer reaching for someone to understand in some mysterious and potentially romantic way.

My life has been a search for meaningful relationships. My relationship with God goes way back. My relationships with my friends are profound. My relationship with my family is deep. And now, the one outstanding type of love has been recognized -- and by someone who understands me, in every sense.

This medium used to be a shield for me, guising my emotion in sarcasm and turns of phrase; now it's too exposing. The emotions I feel are too precious, and while I have profound faith and knowledge that mentioning the depth of emotion is not tempting fate, I also recognize it as something special and sacred that I'm not going to share with the world. No, it belongs to us; it belongs to those who I choose to share with through conversation, not for someone to find.

If others feel fulfilled by the open method of expression, then that is their choice. As for me, I've decided that the task, the mechanism the blog served for me in the past has been completed. I'll continue to write, when I feel inclined, and maybe someday I'll write something for the world to see. But it won't be my story.

It will be the story I'm truly meant to tell.