Musings on love

I used to write nearly every day. Continually with a new thought or insight, I'd blog about it. That was a couple years ago. It's not really the case anymore.

I can't say exactly what changed, though I'd say a big part was deciding certain portions of my life needed to be more private. I entered into a relationship, and exposing that to the world seemed almost dangerous. Really, so much of my prior writing had to do with love, and its mysteries; once I'd kind of figured it out, I had nothing more to say.

But now that I'm on the road to marriage, I guess one way I could still talk about love would have to do with my realizations about it, once it became concrete rather than abstract.

These aren't some new or startling insights, really. But I've got to head back into writing by stretching my proverbial limbs with some well-intentioned rambling.

So...things I've realized about love:

- It's absolutely uncontrollable. Not in the sense of how you express it, but in how you feel it. I didn't decide I was in love; I realized it. It sneaks up on you, and you can make very conscious and deliberate decisions in how you display that love...but feeling it? No. That's why breakups are so hard, after all.

- It manifests itself in such different ways. An act of hostility in one relationship could be an act of love in another.

- At first, love is this large, defining force, moving its way powerfully through the psyche, twisting things up, causing cataclysmic change. As it settles, it becomes like a favorite sweater or your familiar bed, something always there that is comforting but is no longer the loudness and neon of something new. That transition can be jarring. But once it happens, it feels better, less exhausting. It's a mellow happiness. It becomes part of your everyday. I'm intensely grateful for it.

- I think your love for someone remains constant. The intensity at which you're feeling it goes up and down all the time, often for reasons entirely external to the relationship. Intensity of feeling and reality of feeling are two different things. They are often confused.

- Love shouldn't feel like work most of the time. There are times it can, times when you are low. But if that's your daily reality, even if it really is love, it might not be meant to be. Love should build you up and fulfill you.

- Often your expectations of what love will be do not really approximate the reality. Consider it like a city you've never visited, but heard a lot about. You'll know what certain landmarks look like, maybe what the people talk like there, and in your mind you'll have a certain vague picture of how the city will be. And then you arrive there, and while it may have elements of your vision, it will be totally different. And you'll still be just as happy.

- Love did change me. I became more empathetic, a bit more open-minded, a lot more forgiving and less judgmental.

I'm fortunate to live in a country where I can marry freely and for love. It's a wonderful thing.